Conversations that change everything
The five intentions I bring to every time we meet
My work consists almost entirely of conversations. When I’m not in conversation, I’m planning for or reflecting on a conversation of some sort. I’m mostly an extrovert—except when I’m not—so generally this suits me. Except when it doesn’t.
This is what I’ve learned about myself: I am allergic to small talk. It’s why, people-person though I am, I avoid networking events, awards dinners and other large gatherings of people I barely know. The non-conversations in these settings, about nothing and going nowhere, shake me to my core. I cannot abide them. They feel like death to me.
But I am perfectly willing and happy to have conversations with people, even strangers, that are about something and taking us somewhere. Especially if that somewhere is unknown and unknowable. This is why I love coaching, and facilitating team workshops, and being introduced to people who are loved and admired by people I love and admire.
The best conversations are adventures. Spontaneous, rambling and open, occasionally stumbling upon treasure and inevitably changing you for the better. I’ve learned that it takes intention, effort and presence to brings these conversations forth, and doing so has become a favorite practice of mine.
In any given conversation, whether a 1:1 chat or a meeting of dozens of minds, I aim to do these five things:
Create space
I almost wrote “create a safe space,” which is also true. But even more fundamentally, I work to create space full stop. Because space itself is in short supply. Space to think, space to breathe, space to grow. Space to choose our response. And yes, space to be exactly yourself, perfectly human with infinite potential.
How: Slow down. Dedicate time, but not too much. Breathe. Keep awareness in my body. Welcome silence. Breathe. Let the conversation go where it wants. Follow it without chasing.
Build connection
If we are in conversation together, rest assured that I am working on our relationship. Working to build trust and intimacy. I do this by asking questions, listening deeply, reflecting back what I’m hearing and speaking as authentically as I can.
How: Get curious. Set aside my agenda in the service of our common needs. Listen. De-center myself. Honor you with my attention. Be honest. Say the hard thing, then listen harder.
Increase clarity
Part of this is accomplished with building connection: I want to understand you more, and I want you to understand me more. But I also want us to understand more together. How can our our brains and backgrounds, working together, crack codes, unravel mysteries and gain deeper insight into the issues and opportunities at hand?
How: Begin with not-knowing, move with kindness. Speak in mostly questions. Then appreciation and then, ideas.
Provide support
It may not always be clear this is what I’m doing, because my support often comes in the form of a challenge. Come to me with a problem and I’ll push you to think of possibility. Ask me for advice and I’ll ask you for ideas. Tell me your fears and I’ll show you your strengths.
How: Disrupt the fixer mindset, the hero complex. Step back and share my power so you can step forward into yours. And again, this is mostly questions.
Make progress
Maybe it’s an inch. Maybe it’s a mile. I’ll take progress of any magnitude, even in the form of an argument if it builds our connection, increases our clarity, supports you and gets us closer to where we’re going.
How: Maintain perspective. This is a marathon. The only way forward is through infinite complexity. Everyone will mess it up, including me. Keep going.
So, what do you notice that’s missing from this list?
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