Reality check
Why no one lives in the real world, and what to do about it
Tomorrow we enter the final month of this extraordinary and excruciating year.
The events of the past 334 days have changed how we live, work, lead, learn, love, grieve, and pretty much every other verb I can think of. But it’s more than logistical. The depth and complexity of 2020’s challenges are transforming how we see ourselves, how we relate to one another and how we show up—as leaders, partners, parents, children, friends and neighbors—as a result.
But how are we transforming? In what direction? That’s still an open question. Are we evolving or devolving? Will 2020 make us stronger or make us shatter? Is it breaking us down or breaking us open?
It’s up to each of us to answer this question for ourselves, but that’s not the hard part. The hard part is seeing that we the power to choose in the first place. When could we possibly choose to evolve, and how? How do we make a choice that doesn’t feel like a choice at all?
There is a way to transform intentionally for the good. If we want to emerge from this moment wiser, more compassionate and better equipped for a world we don’t control and a future we can’t predict, we simply need to question our fundamental reality.
Wait, what?
Allow me to explain.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Albert Einstein
We all think we live in reality, don’t we? Don’t you?
Where else would I live? you might retort.
Indeed. Let’s find out.
Happily, we don’t need to be quantum physicists or philosophers to challenge our preconceived notions of reality. We can simply consider the following:
We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.
Anaïs Nin
Reality refers to the objective facts of existence.
As humans, we don’t typically relate to the facts of reality with objectivity.
Our intelligence drives us to look for, make or assign meaning to the facts of reality.
I perceive reality through the lens of my direct experience, beliefs and assumptions. This mostly happens unconsciously.
You perceive reality through the lens of your direct experience, beliefs and assumptions. This mostly happens unconsciously.
Our experiences, beliefs and assumptions differ across cultures, within communities and between individuals.
So, we have different perceptions of reality.
These differences are not inherently problematic, in fact they reflect the richness of human existence, and yet…
These differences are at the core of tremendous suffering, violence, hatred, discrimination and fear in our lives and in the world because…
We are each attached to our notion of reality being (the most) objective and true.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away.
Philip K. Dick
Our notion of reality is tied to our sense of security within our own existence.
We believe, “the world is like this, and so I am like this.”
We believe that others who do not share this notion are wrong, ignorant, evil, etc.
These beliefs are core to our individual (self) and collective (belonging) identity.
When these beliefs are challenged, we perceive this challenge to be an existential threat.
We defend our notions of reality as if we are defending our own lives.
This defense creates division, disconnection, competition, aggression and other mechanics of suffering.
These mechanics of suffering arise and are reinforced in our individual minds. We nurture them as part of our meaning-making work.
These mechanics of suffering arise and are reinforced in our communities. We can get swept up in others’ notions of reality, particularly if they affirm our own.
These mechanics of suffering fortify our notions of reality but weaken our connection to objective reality.
We have to continue to learn. We have to be open. And we have to be ready to release our knowledge in order to come to a higher understanding of reality.
Thich Nhat Hanh
Not all beliefs are equally valid or equally false. Some are more destructive than others.
All beliefs separate us from reality when we cling too tightly to them.
It is not the beliefs themselves but our relationship to our beliefs that creates suffering.
To experience reality more directly and suffer less, we can change that relationship.
We can recognize a belief or assumption for what it is: an attempt to make meaning, a unique human capacity, a tool for connection or for division.
We can look for what can be objectively known or purely experienced. We take a conscious breath. We take a careful step. We take a mindful sip of water.
We can know that this experience is reality.
We can regard everything else as a notion of reality, held with lightness and openness.
There is always more to see, more to learn.
There is always more to life.
You may not want to question your reality. I get it. (See #11) And I’m not trying to insult or threaten you. (See #15) But our notions of reality do have real world repercussions on you, your work and those you care about:
The talented young person held back from embodying her purpose by the notion that she’s not ready yet, not fully certain, not qualified enough.
The leader’s notion that her time-tested approach is a safer bet than a innovations based in emerging technology.
The newly formed team divided by us/them notions of likeness and loyalty.
The toxic workplace driven by a CEO’s notion that the share price is the best indicator of business health.
The family torn apart by notions of opposing political ideology, each side attacking and feeling attacked by the self-righteousness of the other.
Remember, it’s not about being right or wrong. It’s about recognizing the limits of our perception of reality.
Bringing ourselves back to an objective reality, however briefly, we can rediscover the facts of existence that our notions don’t make room for. And these simple facts yield insights that change everything:
“Ready” is a relative term. The young person learns to trust her instincts, taking strides, making mistakes, learning from them and inspiring others to create meaningful and sustainable change.
There is always more to learn. The leader opens to learning from those around her, especially those with less traditional experience but more fresh insight.
We are all in this together. The team rallies around a shared mission, leveraging diversity inclusively, processing conflict with respect and achieving new levels of performance.
The “why” and “how” are as important as the “what.” The now thriving workplace culture balances shareholder interests with those of other stakeholders: customers, suppliers, employees and local communities.
Kindness eases change. The family creates the space for asking questions, listening, learning, letting the children show them how to grow together again.
So let me ask you: How can you touch reality right now, this very moment? What can you know for certain, through pure experience? Perhaps it’s the fact of your sitting in a chair. Maybe it’s the fact of an inhale filling your lungs. Perhaps it’s the simple fact of your being alive.
Let reality be small. Let it ground you.
Let everything else soften around you.
This is how we go forward from here.
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