How to say no
You know you want to
Last week we explored how to work with “no.”
Now let’s talk about why we need to be fluent in “no” ourselves.
It’s oh so tempting to try and prove our worth by focusing on the needs, desires and whims of those around us. The validation we get from fulfilling someone else’s idea of our value is enormously rewarding—the satisfaction of exceeding that expectation is an actual high.
But friend, I have questions: First, how many someones are we trying to please here? What is their purpose, their priority? Is it aligned with mine? Do we value the same things? Do we define value in the same way?
These are not easy questions to answer. Many people never even ask them. They might take for granted that pleasing other people (our boss, our clients, our colleagues, our family… or you know, everybody all the time) is the job. So they show up, do as they’re told and are rewarded—or at least not punished—accordingly.
Then there’s the fact that, to answer these questions, we need to know ourselves rather well—what we care about, what we stand for, what we’re working toward. If we do have a strong sense of ourselves, our personal vision and values, it’s easier to see where to say “yes” and where we must say “no.” (If we don’t have that sense of ourselves, well, that makes us an excellent candidate for coaching.)
This is the essence of strategy, in my humble opinion:
What are we saying “no” to, in order to say “yes” to what matters most?
Who gets to decide what matters most? As leaders, we do. We consult with our stakeholders and supervisors as needed, of course, but at the end of the day we are the ones responsible for our outcomes, not them. And it’s simply not possible for us to be strategic and effective in executing our strategy without a few (or a whole lotta) well-placed “no”s.
This week:
Choose one request or task that is not strategically imperative, and say “no.”
Start small. Pick something that others might not think twice about. Treat it like an experiment.
Pay attention to how you feel about this “no.” Are you feeling anxious or afraid? What worst-case scenarios are playing in your mind?
Find the right way to say “no.” Here are a few options you might consider:
No. (the classic)
Not if [primary task/goal] is still the priority.
Not right now, but perhaps [new timing].
I will need your help with this.
I will delegate this to [appropriate other person].
You don’t always owe people a reason or rationale. However, in many instances—for example with a client—you will want to make sure you are both aligned on the priorities and the plan for moving forward.
Notice what happens as a result. Does the world end? Does your worst-case scenario come true? Do people resent you? Or is everything… fine? Perhaps even better?
Then, level up your “no” to something that feels scarier. Repeat this experiment with increasingly daunting “no”s until you start to like the sound of your own voice speaking up for what matters most to you.
(And yes, all of this also applies to holiday commitments with friends and family.)
If you liked this post, you might want to revisit: Work expands to fill the space we give it.