Half of a relationship

That’s what we’ve got to work with. And that’s enough.

Which means, in a given relationship…

• You and I are co-creating the conditions between us.

• I am responsible for how I show up with my 50%.

• I am not responsible for your 50%. That is your responsibility.

• My choices inform and influence your choices.

• My words create the context for your words.

• My feelings spark and stir your feelings.

• If I take responsibility for my 50%, that is enough.

• If I take responsibility for my feelings, words and choices, you will invited to take responsibility for your feelings, words and choices.

• If I show up differently, the conditions between us will shift.

In the comments: What do you think of this notion of being 50% of each relationship you’re in? What are the implications in your life? In your work?

Important: It is not your responsibility to work on or improve a relationship that is abusive or toxic in a way that harms you or someone else. If helpful, you may consider whether it is your responsibility to remove yourself and your 50% from that particular equation.

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This week

Choose a relationship—professional or personal—where you are experiencing some tension, conflict or confusion.

First, look at your story about this relationship. Is there a narrative about who has more power, more authority, more responsibility? Notice any thoughts or emotions that are connected to this story: blame, judgement, resentment, insecurity, fear…

Now consider the idea that you are 50% of this relationship. So is the other person. Even in a power imbalance context (e.g. hierarchy), you are responsible for your part, which is no more or less than 50%.

Ask yourself:

• Am I taking full responsibility for my 50% of this relationship?

• Am I taking too much responsibility? Am I trying to manage the relationship and the other person’s experience or contributions to it?

• Am I not taking enough responsibility? Am I putting the weight of the dynamic on the other person’s shoulders? Do I think this is how it has to be?

• What would it look like for me to take full responsibility for my feelings, words and choices in this relationship? What would I say or do differently?

• What would it look like for me to recognize the other person’s responsibility in our relationship? How would I receive their feelings, words and choices? What would I ask for?

NOTE: This might also work for a relationship to a non-person, for example your job or company. What does it mean to take responsibility for our 50% of our relationship to this entity? Might that responsibility show up in the form of strategic vision? Principles or values? Personal boundaries?