We Can Change… the leader we don’t want to be
Reckoning with our anti-heroes
When you think back over the most influential bosses you’ve had, who comes to mind? A leader who inspired you? A leader who nurtured your potential? A leader who brought the best out of a troubled team or a challenging circumstance?
Or does your mind go the other way, to the one(s) who showed you the leader you don’t want to be?
Early on in coaching a leader, I’ll ask them to tell me their leadership story, about the people and moments that have influenced how they see leadership. Occasionally, there will be a positive, inspiring role model in the story, but often, the story is packed with anti-heroes, if not outright villains.
“I’ve mostly had examples of what not to do.” That’s a statement I hear a lot.
So let’s talk about these leadership anti-heroes. You can learn a lot from them, no doubt. But the lessons you’ve taken away (don’t yell at people, being micromanaged sucks, etc.) are just the tip of the iceberg. The larger this person has loomed in your life/career—the more exposure you had to them, the more power they had over you and/or the longer you worked together—the deeper their impact has been… deeper than you might know.
Our relationships change us. This is especially true when the stakes are high and where power dynamics are involved, as they typically are at work. We are continually observing and assessing, embracing and avoiding, absorbing and rejecting parts of one another.
Only a fraction of this happens consciously, by the way. So thought we may intellectually see a leader’s faults clearly, we are still being shaped by them.
I’ve seen this shaping show up in two ways:
Their way - Absorbing subtle messages and patterns of behavior, often without intending to and without awareness that it’s happening, e.g. a core belief that one’s value lies first and foremost in being the smartest person in the room
Not-their way - Rejecting a message or pattern so vehemently that we default to the other extreme, e.g. a commitment to not being a micromanager results in too much distance and not enough direction for one’s team; a commitment to not claiming credit for others’ work results in not valuing one’s own contribution
And I find it’s not either/or, but both.
To stop playing into those old patterns—either echoing or avoiding the anti-hero tendencies—we need to be able to see them.
Let’s see if we can take that first step:
Bring to mind a leader who looms large in your story, in an anti-hero or villain role.
Think back to a situation in which this leader’s liabilities were most apparent. What behaviors did they exhibit? How did they treat other people in that moment? What did they prioritize? What did they punish?
Notice how it feels for you to revisit that time. Is there an emotion arising? Are there physical sensations associated with it? Are these familiar to you? (Reflecting on a significant, difficult person can be a troubling form of time travel. Breathe.)
What commitments have you made to not-their way?
What have you vowed to never do?
What feelings—emotional, physical or relational—do you never want to feel again?
How is this rejection shaping your leadership today?
Are you overcorrecting in some way?
What is one step you can take toward middle ground? Not doing it their way, but not needing to be their opposite either?
Now, this might be tougher…
In what ways have you internalized their way?
What is one area of your leadership—or one relationship, meeting or moment—where you see a bit of them in how you show up?
Notice any resistance to this idea. Try to be honest with yourself.
What patterns did they perpetuate? How did they structure their work?
How did they seek input, make decisions, give direction, handle conflict, offer or receive feedback?
Are you still playing by those rules?
How did they see the world? What did they believe about how things work? How did they define “good” and “bad”? What was most important to them?
Which of these beliefs are you carrying around?
What assumptions do you hold about what’s possible, which may be derived from their old aperture?
And now, most importantly…
What’s going to be your way?
Now that you can see their influence more clearly, what is useful and what isn’t? What will you take with you? What will you work to leave behind?
Notice extremes and absolutes, “never”s and “always”s. Recognize that this will be a process of letting go, over and over again, of that which isn’t yours.
Find your way back to a middle path that aligns with your core integrity. There, you become an influential leader for others… for all the right reasons.