We Can Change… how we show up

Why mindset eats confidence for breakfast

Confidence. Most of us wish we had more of it. Some of us have too much of it. It comes and goes for all of us, often slipping out of reach right when we need it most.

When a leader tells me their main coaching objective is to develop more confidence—which happens quite often—I immediately get curious about what they think confidence is and what it will do for them. A bit of exploration typically unearths one or more of the following assumptions:

• Confidence can be achieved and sustained. Once I have it, I’ll always have it.

• Not feeling consistently confident is holding me back from doing my best work.

• Confidence is something everyone else has in abundance, and I am lacking.

• Confidence signifies competence.

• I’m supposed to be confident.

Here’s what I tell my clients: Confidence is overrated. It’s a feeling (like joy and anger) but we treat it like it’s a real thing we can possess, and then we give it far too much power. And when we don’t feel this feeling, we think something’s wrong… with us.

The good news is that you don’t have to wait for confidence. You can show up powerfully and do great work that has real impact even when you’re not feeling particularly sure of yourself.

And you do it by getting out of self. When we are in self—as we often are—we experience everything through the lens of our own interests, our own security, our own success. It is possible, even common to be self-centered in a way that is not self-confident or self-aggrandizing, but can be self-deprecating and even self-sabotaging.

Getting locked up in self is the problem. So, what are the alternatives?

Here are three mindset shifts that can make confidence practically irrelevant:

Be in Progress: Adopt a growth mindset that allows you to see every challenge as an opportunity to learn and grow. Shift from focusing on proving yourself (which requires at least a show of confidence) to improving yourself (which requires self-awareness, openness and curiosity).

True Story: Years ago, while rehearsing for an important presentation, my boss gave me tough feedback on my content. “This isn’t remotely ready!” I was caught off-guard, but instead of defending myself or shutting down, I managed to thank my boss and ask for more specific feedback that would help me make the content stronger. The whole room was impressed, including my boss. Not only did I earn points with her, I got the information I needed to be successful in the presentation.

Be in Practice: Choose a trait, quality or skill you want to embody—again, not confidence, that’s a feeling!—like presence, gratitude, kindness, openness, empathy, listening, etc. Focus on practicing this quality in important meetings and other moments that matter.

Coming Soon: At the end of December I’ll release the 2023 version of my annual New Year’s Intention workbook. Setting and practicing an intention can be more effective, energizing and sustainable than grinding away in pursuit of new year resolutions.

Be in Service: Diametrically opposed to being in self is being in service. Here we get to forget about ourselves completely and focus on the people we’re doing the work for. Who (people) and what (purpose) are we serving? Can we give them center stage?

Try This: The next time you’re preparing for a presentation or public speaking occasion, make a conscious shift from focusing on your own performance to focusing on the needs of your audience. What are they missing, that you can offer them? How can you most effectively, courageously, powerfully be in service?