This way to work with me
Boundaries as a powerful path to change
Boundaries. They sound nice in theory but when it comes to setting them and (gasp!) telling others about them, they almost seem taboo.
I think we've come to think of boundaries as synonymous with rejection. A hard no. A wall.
When in reality a boundary is more like an arrow: This way to work with me.
We need boundaries. They create a healthy distinction between who we are and who others are... or want us to be. They create space and safety for us to do and be our best. They protect our precious resources—time, attention, and the brain's currency, energy—which are in especially limited supply these days.
Boundaries are especially important for leaders, for (at least) two reasons:
If we aren’t taking care of ourselves and managing our time/attention/energy, we will not have the resources to care for our people, our clients or our business.
Our boundaries set the template for our team’s boundaries. And yes, this is so much more about what we do than what we say.
A boundary may look like:
Starting or ending your workday at a certain time or in a helpful way
Taking time off and truly disconnecting
Where you will be, how and when you want to be contacted
What you will and will not disclose, support or tolerate
Declining or delegating work so you can focus on what matters most
How you want to be treated, recognized and rewarded for your work
A boundary can be anything that helps you maintain a sense of personal space, focus and integrity. But whatever it is, it only counts if other people know about it.
Ughhhhhh.
And there’s the sticking point. We’re happy to build the boundaries of our dreams in the safety of our own minds, but when it comes to informing and enforcing them with others, we shrink.
Why does setting boundaries make us anxious? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments, but here are a few of my ideas:
We buy into narratives that more is better and that we can never do enough.
We put our sense of our value, our self-worth, in the hands of people and systems that don't deserve that power, and aren't designed to steward it sustainably.
We are afraid of discomfort, and being everything to everyone creates less friction than pushing back against unreasonable expectations.
We don't normally take the time to be thoughtful about our needs, and whenever we try we aren’t sure where to begin.
We need to be needed, without realizing we need ourselves too.
We forget that, due to our innate interdependence, what is good for me is also good for you.
The bad news about these beliefs and behaviors is that they are deeply ingrained in us and digging them out is next to impossible.
The good news is that we don’t need to. We can set boundaries and share them with others even though doing so feels incredibly unsafe.
That’s the only way to learn that, in fact, it is safe. That we do, in fact, know what’s best for us. That others, in fact, respect that knowledge. And that all of us stand to benefit from the healthy boundaries of one of us.
After all, when one of us draws that arrow, when one of us starts a “this way to work with me” conversation, we make it safe for everyone else to do the same.
Normalize boundaries. Set them. Share them. Support the boundaries of others.
In and of itself, this is a powerful path to change.