Not-so-great expectations
How accepting things as they are helps us change them
In the before times, New Year’s Eve was generally considered the most disappointing day of the year—all that pressure to have the most fun at the best party with your favorite people. What a set-up.
But now, I believe we have a new most disappointing day of the year. Even your most tepid December 31st, your loneliest Valentine’s, your rainstorm-on-vacation can’t compete with… (drumroll) the first day back at work after the new year.
It started last year (2021) when people returned from holiday time off (assuming they had holiday time off) expecting things to be different.
I can’t wait to leave 2020 behind me.
New year, no fear.
So ready for things to get back to normal.
I distinctly remember a boost of optimism in those first days. Then the US Capitol was attacked, COVID rates surged to new heights and we found our collective nightmare continuing. We crashed hard.
This year, I don’t think anyone had any illusions coming into 2022. COVID is here to stay, at least for the foreseeable. Our systems are crumbling under the pressure and our leaders are showing their limits and liabilities in the face of this challenge. This has all taken a serious toll. Many of the leaders I spoke with this week are struggling with a new kind of disappointment, born not of false optimism but of dread:
Coming back to work is so disorienting. I mean, what even is my job?
I took two solid weeks off, but all along I knew it wouldn’t be enough to ease my burnout.
I was sick the whole time. I guess it was good to rest, but I’m still exhausted. And the thought of starting it all back up again makes me more exhausted.
This is the thing about expectations, friends: They’re always a set-up. Expecting things to get better, we will be disappointed. Expecting things to get worse (or never change), we are already drowning in disappointment.
And disappointment matters. Sure, it sounds minor and manageable, but it can be an energy-destroying emotion. Disappointment breeds doubt about what’s possible, and kills our motivation for engagement, connection and change.
Our expectations, it turns out, are responsible for much of our suffering.
This week
Reflect on the following questions. It may be helpful to take some notes:
What are you expecting from 2022?
Are you feeling optimistic or pessimistic?
Are you prepared for those expectations to not match up with reality?
What are these expectations doing to you in terms of your energy, your mental health, your leadership?
What are you expecting from others?
Think about your colleagues, your leaders, your team.
Think about your family, your friends, your partner.
What are your expectations of these people doing to your relationships?
Where are they causing you (or them) to suffer?
I’m not asking you not to have expectations. I know that’s not possible. I’m merely encouraging you to recognize that these are only expectations. They are not real. They’re not necessarily “right.” And they are likely setting you up for disappointment.
Wherever we find ourselves laden with expectations of any sort (hint: if there’s a “should” involved, it’s an expectation) we can practice acceptance instead.
Acceptance. When I was first introduced to this concept, it made no sense to me. I’m a person who works toward change. Why would I accept things how they are? Particularly if how things are is unacceptable to me?
Practicing acceptance doesn’t mean “this is how things are, and that’s ok,” or “this is how things are, and they will never change.” It means “this is how things are.” When I can accept reality as it is, without the weight, the friction, the delusion that my expectations bring, I am able to see more clearly what is needed, what is possible, and how I can help.
For each instance you reflected on above, how can you practice accepting this particular condition (e.g. not knowing what the future holds), or circumstance (e.g. being in the midst of another COVID spike) or person (e.g. your difficult colleague or your child). Can you ease your expectation and relax into simply seeing them as they are?
How does this feel?
What do you learn about what is needed, what is possible?
What will you do next?